perspicacious.org

I am writing this at the Girl Scout council office, in what is one of the only "free" moments I've had this week. I should probably be doing other stuff, actually, but I am really tired of office work related to camp. I have a meeting in about half an hour, and another following that one. I should be here until 8:00 tonight, at least.

My training starts Thursday, and camp begins for real the following week. Theoretically. Today someone told me that the generator at our camp is broken. Without the generator we have no way to cook, no refrigeration, and no water. Without the generator I have to cancel. I can't seem to get anyone on the phone to confirm or deny this statement, so I'm operating under the assumption that the person who told me about the generator was misinformed. I've also been plagued by staffing and budget issues. My supervisor keeps assuring me that it's not me, that this year is just really difficult for some reason. I'm not sure if I believe her.

I didn't get the full time Girl Scout job. I am not too upset about it, really. I was, but I'm OK. When I really think about it I understand that it probably isn't the best job for me, and that I wasn't especially qualified for it. Ah, well.

There are forest fires burning to the east of us, and the air is heavy and oppresive with thick, sweet smoke. The visibility is probably less than half a mile. The sun looks red and glaring behind the smoke. It's scary. I haven't been coughing and wheezing like some other people, but it's defnitely making my eyes water a little and my throat feel raw. Yuck. I hope it clears up soon.

So, that's about it from my end. I am excited to actually be at camp doing camp next week, generator and staffing and budget issues and smoky air notwithstanding. I have lots of fun ideas that I'm itching to try out. It will be fun, if I can just get there in one piece.

Sometimes when your shoulders are heavy and your stomach muscles tight and twisted, opening up the curtains and letting the sun in helps. A little. It's certainly better than the dark.

I wonder if this thing is worth it sometimes. I hardly write in it anymore. The past year has been a pronounced downslope from saying everything to saying very little. Now you're getting just the most poignant highlights, and not the endless stream of minutiae. Maybe that's not such a bad thing. The things I don't write about, though, those are the important things.

Andes mints and hot chocolate with fluff, down blankets on Sunday mornings, ice holidays, tiny cards, midnight emails, homemade macaroni and cheese, movies with pink Starbursts, a pumpkin with a message, handmade necklaces and pillows, a marshmallow taped to a note, a cramped and uncomfortable futon, perfect flowered rings, mornings and nights, lunches, and moments in the gym kitchen. Those are things that filled this year. And love.

A year ago I was on a journey north into the unknown, and though things have sometimes been hard I've never been anything but happy that I came here. This is…home. So many things were simply meant to be. Serendipity. It always comes back to that.

I interviewed with the Girl Scouts on Wednesday, and by all indications bombed my interview. I came in with a head full of things to say, and most of them came out of my mouth in garbled clich�s. So I was pretty shocked when I got called back for a second interview this coming week. This can only mean that the other candidates were just as abominable as I am. I would love to have this job, though I'm a bit awed by the responsibility and scope of it. It may come to pass yet. If not, there are always other options. And things will work out. They always do.

It's the strangest thing here in the summer. You just forget about darkness– that there is darkness or that there ever was. I think about summers at camp in New Mexico and the millions of stars and the campfire nights where the fire was the only light for our skits and sometimes all you could see were spooky silhouettes. Then we'd have the campers all turn on their flashlights at once and light us with a giant, flickering spotlight.

Here there's nothing but daylight. I made blackout curtains for our bedroom– they sell the fabric at the store where I worked. The shades are attached to the window frame with velcro. A little ghetto, but at least it's dark enough to sleep. I usually just close my eyes and keep reminding myself that it is nighttime.

We went out to Chena Lakes for a kid's birthday party today. It was pretty fun for an interior Alaskan beach. I brought a box of koosh balls and frisbees and jump ropes, and the kids ran around and squirted each other and got attached by leeches in the water. Then it cooled off and all of the mosquitoes came out and we went home.

It was pretty fun, though. I'd like to go back and rent a canoe or a paddleboat. And, you know, keep my feet away from the leeches.

Hi. It's June. It was chilly here today, but it's been pretty nice for the past couple of weeks. We had an amazing rainstorm on Monday– who doesn't expect inclement weather on Memorial Day? I was working alone on camp stuff when the sky suddenly turned black and sheets of rain started falling. There was nice thunder and everything. A lot of people planted their flowers over the weekend because after June 1st it's highly unlikely that there will be a frost. (That's the safe day to do gardens. When is it where you live?) Anyway, people's newly-planted flowers and plants were pummeled by rain and hail, but it was fun.

We have a lovely group of 3 year olds in our room right now. And by "lovely" I mean, "completely belligerent and incapable of moderately quiet, semi-independent work." We have several kids who are nearing their 3rd birthdays or have just had them, and boy can you tell. There is a big difference between a 3 year old and a 3 1/2 year old. Oy. Throwing things, yelling, not answering to their name, not cleaning up after themselves… Between 8 hours of that and then miscellaneous work for camp I am tired by the end of the day.

I am really liking the class I'm in right now, though. The teacher is good and I'm still working with the same assistant. When the kids aren't lunatics howling at the moon we have a pretty good time. But I'd better not get too comfortable because camp starts July 1st and I'm interviewing for a permanent job with the Girl Scouts. It's an honest-to-goodness desk job, which would be weird, but a nice change. I won't tell you any more about it, lest I count my chickens too much. I interview on the 16th. I'll let you know, one way or the other.