perspicacious.org

I keep my paper journal with me most of the time because I occasionally have cohesive thoughts that beg to be written down before I can unravel or forget them. (I know it's hard to believe, but bear with me here.) Today I sat in the car at the post office, not really feeling like I had anything important to do, but not wanting to do anything that could fill a warm late September afternoon. So I wrote about putting myself in situations, hoping that the situation will let me in and make me fit, and not quite understanding why that is never the case.

I didn't want to go home, so I drove, up above the city where roads have gold mining names and the birch leaves float to the ground without realizing it's as warm today as it was in mid-July. It was so pretty and quiet and I cranked the music I knew would make me happy, and I finally realized that I've spent my whole life trying to make my situation take responsibility for who I am and how I feel. Even as I have been a constant advocate for making your own happiness, I've done it anyway. And enough is enough. Location is the where but not the why. That may be the only thing I've really learned in days.

Journal excerpt, September 30th, 2001:

A new week is beginning. Time continues to move forward despite my best efforts to press the pause button on Sunday morning as I sat with a cup of coffee and watched a documentary on PBS while painting my toenails. Tomorrow it all starts over– the cycle that rules my life, but not my existence. What have I learned? What have I done with myself? I worry that I am just going through the motions of a life, and that I left the reality of who I am, (or perhaps, who I want to be) somewhere on the mountain I inhabited once.

The leaves are beginning to change. With any luck I will change with them, and float away toward the dark silhouette on the horizon where my compass always points.

Same worries, and I have traveled thousands of miles and done thousands of things since then. How much longer until I really understand?

It was brilliant out yesterday– sunny and clear and in the fifties. It's pretty warm out today too, but dreary and cloudy with the promise of rain. My only real experiences with rain are with the monsoons in New Mexico, which build up on the horizon in late summer, dump torrents of rain on you for a few minutes, and disappear. The idea that rain can come and stay for several days is a new one for me. In New Mexico you watch the satellite image of the clouds flitting across the sky, moving from west to east. Here the clouds go wherever they please, even moving north and west, and stick around for days at a time.

I took advantage of the nice weather yesterday and finally reinstalled the passenger seat to the van. My dad took it out when I left Albuquerque in mid-June, and since then it had been in two pieces behind the driver's seat. I had been meaning reinstall it since, um, July. It's no good not being able to take my car to the dad garage.

He is still giving me advice and supplies by remote, though. Last week he ordered a battery warmer and engine blanket. The battery warmer will save me from taking the battery out and bringing it inside when it's really, really cold. The engine blanket is like a space blanket for camping, and will help keep the engine from losing heat when parked. I also have an engine block heater installed. (I got it in Albuquerque in June. The mechanics were a little confused.) The as yet answered question is how I am going to keep myself from freezing. Preferably without piling on so many layers that I can't maneuver to drive the car.

Also, random meme for Sunday, because I'm bored.

Continue Reading »

First snowfall of the winter! It wasn't much, just the barest powdered sugar dusting that was already melting when I got up. Nearly every kid pointed the snow out to me when they arrived to school this morning. Nothing like 20 tiny children pulling on my sleeve and pointing out things I already know. They are awfully cute. I meant to take a picture of the snow for you, but forgot. So you'll have to take my word for it. I don't know how much longer I can handle coming home to a 50 degree house. The parka and hat indoors look is not so fashionable. Maybe I shouldn't come home with wet hair and a milkshake? Just a thought.

The neighbors are running their dog team. One person rides a four wheeler in front of the team and slightly off to the side, and the other is "pulled" by the team on another 4 wheeler, standing. They seem to be running about 12 dogs. I couldn't believe how fast they came around the corner. The dogs seem so excited. It reminded me of watching my neighbor's Samoyed running around crazy in an Albuquerque snowfall.

We have one of these adorable harps in the classroom, and it has made the last week sound like a movie dream scene. We intentionally didn't put out any kind of pick to play it with. The children just play it with their fingers and it makes sweet and quiet background noise. Mostly.

I need to blowdry my hair. I'm doing my best St. Pauli Girl for Oktoberfest tonight.

It's been a long time since I've had a heaven and hell talk with kids. It does come up occasionally, but I'm used to older kids who at least have a sense that it's OK for us to have different beliefs. (Children are way more understanding about this than adults.) Today our mini-samurai came up to me, very indignant, and said, "M says that when you die you go to heaven! But that's not true, is it?" Ummmm. I gave him (and M) the standard "It's OK for us to believe different things and that doesn't mean that anyone is wrong" speech. Then I changed the subject by offering to show them the worms. I am the worm maestro. The worm guru. You get the idea.

I got a flu shot today. One of the school parents stood in the work room with a shoe box full of syringes and stuck me before I could object, no joke. It's awfully nice of the school to provide flu shots for all of the staff, but the bedside manner could use a little help. One of the kindergardeners was helping by sticking bandaids on our arms. Pretty weird.

It was 49 degrees in the cabin when I got home. Soon I'll have to leave the heat on during the day, I guess. I won't do it until I think things are going to freeze, though. I have, what, a week before that happens?

I got a fleece lined vest at the thrift store. It's orange. Really orange. Pedestrian safety orange. I was totally enamored of it until I realized that it makes me look like a crossing guard. I'm still wearing it, though, and I'm wearing it inside. How come no one ever told me how wonderfully insulating vests are? I'm pretty much at the "screw fashion, it's cold" state, anyway. Maybe it's time to surrender completely.

Not sure yet if the information from our meeting helped in the classroom today. A friend of the teacher's gave her an aquarium full of nightcrawlers and I was nominated official worm handler. So, I spent a fair part of the day fishing frightened worms from the soil and giving them to kids to hold. Most wouldn't, which I thought was interesting. Aren't they supposed to be rough and tumble Alaskan kids? Maybe I set my rough and tumble standards too high.

It still smells like falafel in here. Anyone over age 4 could tell you smoke rises, and right into the loft. I'm not into Middle Eastern restaurant scented sheets. Ick.